When I Get Sick, I’ve Learned to Turn to God

So, I am finally feeling better…..better than I have felt in several weeks, mentally, emotionally, and physically.  These past few weeks, even though, ultimately, I could complain of stomach cramps, a tweeked neck, and a heavy cold, I felt…..well, man…..I felt like utter and complete crap. 

It shocks me that with all of our advances in medicine, technology, communication, comforts and eases we provide ourselves in this day and age, a common cold can still wipe us out.  Humanity used to die from a common cold and now it is just a “nuisance.”  I was wiped out!  I couldn’t go to work, I could barely function and because of that, was definitely not a peach to be around.  I didn’t even want to be around myself, I felt sick, unproductive and crappy, just utter crap that people throw on the streets.  Well, mentally at least; reiterating even more so how much the physical and mental are connected and mutually effect one another. 

During this time, I had to come to terms with my self-identity.  I couldn’t be “productive,” in the manner that I judge productivity, checking off items on my list of things to get done, books to read, errands to run, Bible passages to read in the morning, prayers said…..I realize how insignificant it all is….not the Bible reading of the praying, or any of the other stuff for that matter, but the fact that I define myself and rely on what I do to determine my sense of worth, hit me hard.  I literally had to sit down all day and rest….that was the hardest thing, and physically it made all the difference, but mentally, I was suffering…I felt useless, worthless and unproductive…..barely one day had passed before I was asking God, “Why?  Why God is this happening to me?  Ahhhh, I am useless, I want to make a difference and be something to someone! Why am I sick?  Heal me so I can keep living!”  Yes, dramatic and playing the victim.  To write it out and look at it from the outside, my “lamenting” is trivial and so minute compared to what others experience.  True pain and suffering is something that I won’t claim to understand.  But Jesus can.

He went through it all, and more, He went to Hell and back, was tempted, lived in the world we did and experienced all the human emotions that we experience on a day to day basis.  He felt depression, he laughed, he cried, he experienced loss just like we do. 

During the week and a half or more that I have been sick and recouping, I have leaned much more heavily on God, because frankly, that was all I could do.  That was all I knew how to do.  Yes, doctors helped me with medication, friends listened to me and asked if I needed soup, I had people who were there if I needed something, but what I guess I really needed, and God knew this, was that I needed a spiritual “pick-me-up.”  No, no, I wouldn’t call it a pick-me-up so much as a humbling, awakening (not in the New Age sense), but one where it hit me that I have to and need to rely on God 100% for everything.  That God is not a want, God is not an, “Ok, he fits into my schedule this time and this day.” He is not an option.  He just isn’t and that is very difficult to come to terms with.  I think I will struggle with this all my life to some extent.  God is a necessity in my life and while I was sick, I was able to reconnect with him, to be honest with him about my thoughts and feelings, to pray ernestly and intently, to be more fully in communion and relationship with him.

I keep running my life, my own life, how I want it……seeking approval from God instead of seeking guidance from him.  I have dreams and desires in my heart, and I get excited about dancing and music and creativity and cultures and people and beauty…..all of these excite me and drive my life, but then the world comes into play and I take it the next step that would, in the end, glorify me more than God.  I don’t want a fake relationship with God, I don’t want to “use” him for my needs and wants, and I pray that my needs and wants align more closely to his needs and wants for my life, for the world, and for his kingdom.

It’s kind of crazy to give your life to God; actually, it’s pretty radical, if you ask me.  There is so much I don’t understand, and don’t need to understand, so much that I think and judge, and don’t need to, and when it comes down to the basics, which is always the best, because it is the simplest (yet the hardest to carry out) is to love God with all of my heart, mind and soul and to love my neighbor as myself. 

Love, this tricky little word that never fails to stupefy humanity…..we don’t have enough of unconditional and true love.  The definition of unconditional and true love is a topic for another post, or another book. 

But wow, I thank God for humbling me and I pray for the strength to walk in obedience to him and the calling he has on my life. 

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We all have dif…

We all have different beliefs…about ourselves, about our lives, about who we believe should be the next president or fashion icon……and we certainly have beliefs about religion….

As this is a post about venting on judgment, this is a disclaimer that what I say isn’t necessarily going to be PC or make “nice nice” about subjects that are very touchy here in America, especially.  If I offend, I apologize, that is not my intention, my goal is to get out my thoughts using this writing tool in order to process what’s in my head and why I am so upset…so please, if you have any comments or questions, feel free.  My only request is for you to be completely honest with yourself and what you are saying, don’t sugar-coat, don’t try to persuade or influence, but say things straight up as you believe them and be sure to back up what you say with a strong foundational basis.  Thank you.


Ok so here I go….

I used to be on the other side of Jesus…..I didn’t believe he was the “ONLY way” and people that claimed that sounded ignorant, stupid and frankly, Republican.  I judged them as narrow-minded and uneducated and sheltered from the world.  I always listed Jesus as one of my role models, along with Gandhi, Martin Luther King Junior, and Sojourner Truth. Jesus was always one of the “many ways” to God for me.  I have always believed in God, that was no question, but it was a superficial belief, like, “Yes, he is up there, taking care of everything and when things go wrong…well, I don’t know why and what that’s all about, but you know, God is real.” 

We all have hurts and pains from our past and what I am realizing more and more is that most people hide behind those wounds that have NEVER healed and define themselves by the “victim” mentality.  If you think you don’t, then think twice and really examine yourself from an honest point of view.

What’s so stupid and annoying about this society (among other things) is that we are so selfish and individualistic, myself included.  As soon as someone comes into “my space” or “my bubble,” (which is probably a good radius of 10 feet…not a small bubble) whether at work, at home, walking down the street, I begin to get annoyed, frustrated and judgmental of the other person, “Ew, why are they looking at me that way,” or “Really??  Do they really need to be bothering me right now? Can’t they figure it out on their own?” or “Gosh, can’t I have some peace and quiet, I just need to rest.”  These thoughts constantly go through my head and I constantly, if I am disciplined enough, have to check them, and then chuck them.

I have a life of comfort and ease and the minute I start to get sick or uncomfortable, I ask, “Why God?! Why?!” As if my world, my bubble, my life was ending and collapsing in front of me.  That’s what happened last week and it was very humbling because it was another reminder that without my health, I have nothing, I am nothing, and my life isn’t really that important.  My friend has said to me many times, “You know, when you die, people are going to be sad, they are going to remember the best parts about you, and idolize your life, praising you for how good of a person you were, they will mourn and grieve for a few months, and then most people will forget and move on with their lives…..you are not THAT important.”  That hit me as harsh, but actually, honest and true, which honesty and truth more often than not seem to be….harsh.  Harsh, but true…your life REALLY doesn’t matter, in the grand scheme of things, your family will be sad, others will be hurt, but you know, the other 99.99% of the world will keep moving and functioning as it always has, the sun will rise, people will eat, others will starve, and life goes on.

So where does God fit into all of this?  Well, back to my original statement about having been on the other side of believing in Jesus….The past year and a half has been a huge turn over for me. but the process started actually much earlier, and one could argue that it began when God brought me into this world 25 years ago. 

But I will start the story at April 1, 2011. With someone I barely knew, I ended up going to a young adult college on a Friday night.  You wouldn’t really call it a bible study, because is basically a church service at night for 20 somethings, but when I agreed to go, I had very little information.  This person, who is now my good friend, invited me to this “college group” (and in the back of my mind I somehow inherently knew that it had to do with church or some “God” thing), but that all her friends were wishing her good-bye before she left for 5 months to go to a discipleship training program abroad, and I said, “sure, what the heck, why not?  She wasn’t the type of person to push anything on me, what she believed in or thought I should believe in…..she was quite the opposite, I felt very safe and comfortable around her.  On the car ride there I ended up telling her a short version of my “pain history,” my family baggage…no dad, emotionally and mentally difficult mother…..blah blah blah.

We got to the college group called Adorn.  It is held at Reality Carpenteria and for those of you that don’t know, Reality is a totally Christ centered church; they love Jesus, they want others to know about Jesus and they like to have a good time! – in a clean way. 🙂 During the sermon, by Lazo, he showed a clip from the Patriot, the part where Mel Gibson, the father, is saying good-bye to his family before going off to war.  He makes his way down the line to his youngest daughter and she is pissed at him…..she hates that he is leaving and hates him for it.  She backs away when he tries to say good-bye and has a stoic and almost cruel expression on her face.  He walks away broken-hearted and almost gets on his horse, when you hear a faint “daddy!” in the background and the daughter breaks down crying and runs after her father, jumps on him, and grabs him tightly ….writing this even now, brings those same emotions back that I had then…when I saw that…..all my walls were broken down….all the ways that I have tried to be strong to the world, strong to myself, all the ways that I tried to prove that I was just fine, despite not having had a dad and an abusive childhood….the superficial strength, the arrogance that I used to cover up my insecurities….everything came down, whether I liked it or not, because frankly, I would have loved to have kept my composure and pretended everything was fine, but I could not…I balled like a little girl….like the daughter who wanted so desperately to have a father on earth, but never had one.  It was like my heart burst open and a veil was lifted.  I got it.

What is it that I got?  The more appropriate question would be, who was it?  And that who, is Jesus.  I understood what it meant for Jesus to be in my life.  Something was happening to me; I was having a personal experience of Jesus. 

The next week was Easter Sunday and I went to the Reality church service being held at the Santa Barbara City College football stadium.  Britt Merrick preached and at the end, there was an alter call…..so… awkwardly and insecurely, crying my eyes out, I went to the front and declared that Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior, that he is the son of God, that he came to die for our sins, and that he is the only way to God.  I made a decision to accept Jesus and actively pursue a relationship with him.

Now if I was on the other side of this, which I assume that some of you are, I can completely understand some of the thoughts going through your head right now, “Ohp!  We lost another one to those fanatical Christians,” “That’s so sad that she believes life has to be so extreme, “Wow, how ignorant, I hope she learns to be more open to other people’s beliefs,”  or “oh dang!  Not going to talk to her at all…”

The only thing I can say to those comments is that, a year and a half ago, Jesus became personal, a year and a half ago, I started devouring the Bible, even though I had attempted to read it many times before, but never understood it, that a year and a half ago, I am finally healing from these wounds of my past and learning what it means to live the life that Gods wants me to live. 

And no, I didn’t shun my gay friends, I don’t condemn prostitutes or people who get abortions, I didn’t start defaming Barack Obama because people think he is Muslim.  Actually, I have ended up meeting more people that normally I wouldn’t have associated with in the past.  And there are people that have come directly into my life that want the best for me, that challenge me to grow, that hold me accountable for my actions, and show me love and support even with my hang-ups, and trust me there are a few….at least.  I am by no means perfect, I see that more and more as I am humbled and learn what it means to follow God and stay true to his word in the Bible, pray and believe in his son Jesus and what he did for us on the cross.

I have my struggles daily, I have my insecurities, but the more I trust in God, the more I see him working directly in my life; he answers my prayers, even when I don’t know it, because as humans we are quick to forget, and quick to place blame and judgment on others, but God is there, faithful and unwavering.

Initially, I wanted to write about how frustrating it is that many people I meet are so caught up on the superficial, on themselves, on fakeness, and that so many people are, well, stupid, AND ignorant.  I guess I have these thoughts and judgments about people whether I believe in Jesus or not, but after getting all of this out, it is glaringly obvious that I judge people for what I am and how I act…I am superficial and fake, I am ignorant, I am immature and I am the worst judge of them all….I am NO better than any other person out there.  I have seen how selfish I can be, how rude and mean I can be…and now I have a God to direct my thoughts, to give me love for other people that I would otherwise have a very hard time loving…..and the hardest thing is to understand, to know and internalize that the love God has given me for others, is also the love that he wants to give to me, a love that I still struggle to accept.  I am my own worst enemy. I am my harshest critic….how could God love someone who has such bad thoughts about others, and especially about themselves…..we are always the hardest on ourselves and then take it out as projection on others.  God loves ME…what?!  Why? What do you love me?  That doesn’t make sense. 

But I keep hearing, “Yes, it is true, I love you Nathalie because I created you just as you are, and that you perfect to me.  I created you because I love you, and you are worth it for me to die for.”  Whoa.

If you are sitting there, still reading this, and thinking that this is bullshit, that this is hokey, deluded, that it’s cheesy, please, don’t buy that.  Why would I write this? What is my motivation?  What am I trying to prove?  I hope that through my writing, those reading this can see my honesty, can see that this is my process for hashing things out, my process of growing and maintaining mental groundedness.  It’s a very vulnerable place to be, but you know what?  If I didn’t do this, if I didn’t write what is in my heart, then my life would be meaningless and I would not be able to function as a human being. If you you think this is bullshit, you are wrong, if you think this is hokey and deluded, you are wrong, if you think this is cheesy…well ok, maybe a little, but it’s truth.  I have spoken the truth of my experiences and that is really all I can do. 

Thanks for listening and maybe God bless these words and bless you.

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Racing Mind

It’s 8:27 am on a Saturday morning and I am wide awake….unwillingly.  I went to bed at 1am and I find myself, tired, but unable to sleep, trapped by the racing thoughts in my mind.  So what do I do?  The only thing I really know how to do…..write it out on paper, or in this case, type it up in this blog.

So what is going through my mind?  So many things….things that anyone could care less about…if I am going yardsaling, what time I should eat breakfast, when I need to leave to get to Ventura on time, what I need to buy at the store to make the lemon meringue tart for tonight……when I write it out, it sounds menial and simple, not like something I need to worry about. 

I find myself waking up from a dream, intense, jumbled, somewhat chaotic and leaving me with indelible impressions for the rest of the day until I lay my head to rest for another evening of jumbled thoughts.  I enjoy sleeping, I enjoy what my dreams will bring….maybe because it’s where my true self explores itself, where who I am really am plays out and my mind is able to process all it’s thoughts from the day….yet it still eaves my dreams with a intensity that I just can’t shake off the next day….and here I am

Waking up to powerful dreams, and then remembering that God is with me….my mind jumps, “Oh ya, I need to start praying, I need to give Go the ‘time of day,’ I need to do my duty and pray this and that…oh and I should shut up for a little bit and see if I can actually hear from God….ok that’s hard, and taking too much time, I need to get up and get ready for the day….”  Wow, this process is rather ridiculous when I say it out loud.  I think I have my priorities wrong…..God should be first…God is not an obligation….and if I learned anything from going through my poetry from the past 9 years and from going to Adorn for the first time in months last night, then I will know that God is always there: Joshua 1:9 “I am with you wherever you go.”  I should know that God is my priority, not out of obligation but because I love him….and I love him because he first loved me. He waits patiently for us to come around and often times we need a reality check which he will firmly yet gracefully give us.  God is SO good…..it’s just one of those things that, when you take the time to stop and sit in the silence, the feeling overwhelms you, this immense joy knowing that he is right there with you….when I take time to sit with him and just let my mind go, let it be silent, he shows me all the ways that he has moved in my life….all the ways he has protected me, shown me through others how much he cherishes me, how much he has blessed me and wants me to succeed in my life. It’ s like I am learning what it is like to have a perfect Father. 

So here I am…….with my thoughts, with myself….helpless to do anything in this life, in this world because no matter how much motivation I have, how many skills and talents and gifts I have, how many desires are within my heart and soul, I will always manage to get in my own way…..this is where reliance on God comes in…..has to come in for that matter because if given the choice, I will always choose the selfish way, I will always choose what I want, even if it’s not the best thing for me. 

Why do we do that?  Simply, I think, because we ARE humans, we have the human nature, we are not perfect, we are made in God’s image which is perfect, but we are fallen….one man brought us into this fallen state, but more and more I see the power of one man to reverse all of that….Jesus.  It all comes back to him whether we like it or not and that is crazy to me.  To believe in this one man named Jesus….to accept him as a great man, as a teacher, as someone who made an impact on this planet, like Gandhi, Martin Luther King Jr., or Mother Theresa, is easy…anyone can do that….but to believe that he is the true one and only son of God sent for US, sent to close that gap that separates us from full communion with God, sent to redeem our fallen state that Adam brought us into….if you think about, that IS Crazy!  I can understand why people have such a critical view of Christians.  I have judged them myself…as ignorant, stupid, radical, extreme……but now I can call myself one of them…in the sense that I believe in Jesus Christ, I believe he died for our sins, I believe he died to save us and reconcile us to God. Now many people get stuck in the diction, the vocabulary…redeem, sin, save, reconcile, the one and only….and for me, that’s they best way I can express myself in this moment because I know it to be true and it makes me so happy that Jesus is in my life…but I can see that someone who is not of the same belief as me might see it as narrow-minded, ignorant, radical….but let me tell you what…if you read the Gospels, if you read about Jesus, he is not a “fluffy” sweet guy, who is all about the “nice-nice.”  He is extremely radical….he challenges people, he gets angry, he is patient, but then gets exasperated at people’s inability to comprehend and believe… “Are you still so dull?”  explaining to the disciples the importance of what we say (Matthew 15:16-18)  Jesus has an edge to him.  Yes, he is kind, compassionate, loving-he loves ALL people, especially the “down and outters.”  And he is ALSO radical, he makes it very clear that we have to make a decision, that in that decision comes a lot of responsibility, and that in that responsibility, life will not necessarily easy….but he doesn’t trick us, he never leads us astray, he never tries to sugar-coat-he gives it to us straight, and I love him for that.  How many people do you know do that?  And if you do know someone like that, is it always easy to digest what they dish out?  Is it easy to hear their honesty?  Often time no.   We criticize people for being blunt and honest, for calling things out as they are because it’s rude or insensitive or politically incorrect.

Jesus does not conform to the norms of society.  He not only challenges them, he completely turns them over on their heads.  Jesus’ message is not one of soft clouds and shooting stars, a lazy day in the park, but Jesus’s message is a reality check – what choices are we making, are we recognizing the great yearning that God has, to be reunited with us? Do we see how the entire Biblical story, after the first few chapters in Genesis, is God’s desire to make things perfect again?  He wants us, he wants us back and will accept us with open arms whenever we decide to run back to him, like the prodigal son (Luke 15:11-32).

It is hard to put your mind around, of a God so unconditionally loving that all he wants us to be reunited with us.But what I have realized is I can say these things about God and Jesus all I want, I can repeat these things, you can read the Bible, you can hear these things over and over again from pastors, preachers, teachers, you can read them in books, but it is not going to make a difference until it becomes personal, until God becomes personal to you and moves in your life in such a way (whether blatantly, emotionally, physically or supernaturally) that you can’t help but know and believe from the core of your being that it was something higher than yourself, something bigger than your life, than this life on planet earth, something bigger than all the universe….it is God.  And always will be God.

I am not trying to convince or condemn or shame anyone in this post, not trying to say, “Look!  I know the way and you don’t and should follow what I say because it’s the truth!”  What good do that do?  No, all I am doing, and all I can do, is share my experiences and share my thoughts. I am no better than anyone else out there, and I certainly have my own share of flaws that stare me in the face everyday when I wake up….but when I give God the time of day, when I sit in silence with him, I wouldn’t give it up for the world, because that is where I know I am safe, that is where I know that I will be ok, that I am ok, that I am loved unconditionally.  That security and that stability in my life is something that I cannot find anywhere else. 

So there it is.  My racing mind to a reflection about Jesus.

That’s what happens when you clear all the junk out…..when you get to the core of what’s lying on the surface – the appointments, the obligations, the daily activities – underneath that, below the surface is the subtly of God, the reassurance, the love, and the calm that he brings to your heart.

Hmmm, pretty cool.  Thanks God.  I love you.

Posted in Healing, Humanity, Life, Love, Overwhelmed, Spirituality | Leave a comment

What the Night Brings

As the evening dawns, my soul begins to stir,

my insides wake up,

my thoughts become more rapid and hopeful,

it’s like….a switch goes off in my heart, 

where closed doors open and dreams seem at my fingertips, but just out of reach

as I go from one activity, I realize that I restlessly am trying to find something

Even now….

I found God, I found Jesus and he is healing my broken life and bringing the pieces back together into a mosaic I couldn’t even fathom

He has taken a torn picture of a tree

and pieced it back together into a magnificent blooming magnolia,

sturdy, strong, breath-taking

That is the undercurrent of my life,

but on the surface, I am searching for more….what?

I don’t know, some earthly fulfillment,

a purpose, a goal, a meaning for my life.

On the most superficial level, I search for gratification in the simplest terms

a chocolate bar, an exerciser’s high, a stimulating movie, an electric song……

I want to be swept into a dream world where my mind can run wild,

but then when I have to come back to the present, I am sorely disappointed,

seeing that everything is still the same and hasn’t changed.

On a deeper level, I am searching for meaning and purpose,

what is it that even when I am working my hardest,

I am content and I am willing to put in that extra effort because of what I love

-what is that?

how do I discover it?

Why do we even have to discover it?

There is so much information from the world, feeding us the woulds and coulds and shoulds and what ifs and maybe somedays…..but I get lost in the now

It’s like I don’t want to deal with the now because there is no satisfaction in it.

I can’t sit still, a restlessness is built into my bones and jolts me from activity to activity, not allowing me to rest and absorb my surroundings or my life.

It’s like my mind moves my body out of fear of being still too long, because what will I find in the stillness?

What will I have to face?

All my mistakes, all my pains, all my hang ups?

What is it that I present before God?

All my falleness?

Only he knows just how imperfect I am,

but then again, only he loves me how I need to be loved, only he knows me enough to love me and speak to me in the most simple, yet profound ways.  Only he provides what I need even when I don’t think I need it.

Like a parent who knows that we shouldn’t cross the street recklessly or eat dessert before dinner, but as children, we ask why and we are defiant, wanting to do what WE want to do.

So I’m thinking that I’m coming to terms with not having a father ever present in my life.  When I sit still, I it seems to dawn on me more and more just how vulnerable I am, and before I was able to cover that over with toughness…largely because I am tall…not too many men are going to mess with a 6 foot tall woman.

But underneath it all, underneath the appearances, underneath my standoffish personality, is really a defense mechanism to cover up my weakness and vulnerability.

This is my way of protecting myself from getting hurt.  From being hurt by a man that was never there.  How can one be hurt by someone who has never been there….

When that person was supposed to be one of the most important influences in your life, then their lack of presence becomes pretty focal and at the center point of your life.

When I let myself sit and unwind, process my thoughts of the day and work out the quirks and kinks of my interactions with people, the deeper ‘stuff’ begins to surface….and that’s when I start doing busy work….well granted, things that need to be done, or things that I enjoy doing, but at the expense of my mental….and if you don’t have your mental health, then what do you truly have?

Those deep thoughts that bubble up are ones of the missing male in my life and how I have tried, in so many unconscious ways to compensate…..a boyfriend, a good buy friend, a unthreatening gay friend, a role model, a boss, a pastor…..but it all leaves me empty, because in the end, when I go to bed, it’s just me and God.  And then what?

I’m learning to rely less on men and more on God, but that void is still so painful and huge…..my heart is closed, even though it wants so desperately to open, but then at the stupidest moments and with the more untrustworthy people, I will leave my heart open to be walked on and used.  Why?

It’s plain to see in my life, that God is my true Father, my real Abba, and he made it clear as a cloudless day that he wants to be my father.

I was given a turquoise ring in 2005 with five stones……by a wonderful woman, strong in her faith and obedient to the Lord, listening to his prompting when he said to give me her ring.  So she did…..she said that it represents Mexico, where my dad is from, because of the turquoise, but it also represents a promise that He, God is my father and wants to be my father. I can rely more and more on him.

It is hard, because how does one live in this world, with all the fairy tale movies of good fathers or reconciliations, when in actuality, this stuff is few and far between?  Life is beautiful, but largely out of its pain.  People are the most beautiful with tears running down their cheeks, when they are vulnerable and humbled by the circumstances at this world.  It’s  strange kind of weakness and exposure that makes us so vulnerable, but to be willing to sit in that space for longer than a few seconds, takes incredible courage.

So Father, what do you have in store.  Change my heart because it is freezing over; it can’t handle tenderness, as I want to fall apart…..I see an innocent child who is confident and adorable because they are being exactly who you created them to be, and I want to cry because it is something that was lost in my childhood, something that was suppressed, something that I was punished for.

And now, to ameliorate my pain, I become emotionally available to those “less fortunate,” to those that are struggling because I don’t want them to feel alone in their suffering….I know how that feels.

So am I acting out of my pain history?  Or acting out of who I am really am, who God created me to be. There is so much guilt and lies cluttering the foundation of who I am, that I can’t see it clearly, I can’t accept truth because I can’t trust what I am thinking.

To put it into words, it seems kind of ridiculous, like, “Nathalie, get over yourself and move on.”  Well, ok, I can do that, but what happens when a situation triggers a painful memory and I react like my old self without realizing it?  How do I maintain the motivation to counter-act all those negative thoughts that have infiltrated my life?

How do I become responsible for myself, now that I am “all grown up” and a young adult, pursuing an idea of what she thinks is her passion, while she tries to stay stable and grounded in her life, while she dreams and takes steps to follow her dreams, without losing her footing and uprooting everything that God has restored in her life.

How do I stop shooting myself in the foot, and most of all, get over myself?

Wow, so this is not at all what I intended this to be, but look what came out…my thoughts into words on the screen.  This is what I search for, completion, resolution, satisfaction, contentedness. In this way, I have made progress, I have been productive, according to my standards.  This is what makes me happy, to have worked out my thoughts on paper, to have hashed out ideas, to express myself in an eloquent, hopefully eloquent manner, in a way where people can relate, and maybe…..just maybe, a connection has been made.  Because ultimately, I think we all fear being alone, or let me rephrase that, being lonely.  Because being alone in and of itself, is not a negative thing; it is a state of being and sometimes it’s nice to be alone and away from others.  But, being lonely, is a different ball game.  Lonely is a negative description of a state of being, it’s an analysis of the condition one is in and that analysis is negative, showing room for improvement.  I believe we all fear being lonely, or maybe we all ARE lonely and are trying to find ways to cope, whether it is through TV, sex, running, work, co-dependent relationships, traveling, playing with apps on your iphone….it’s more than easy to escape and not think about what’s really going on.

Taking the road less taken goes against everything that our nature tells us instinctually to do.  We are called to blaze our own path, to rely on God, and trust in him that he has what is good and in our best interest….even in the toughest and most challenging of circumstances.

To end I will share the Bible verse that has latched onto me for the past week, the verse that has been comforting and also given me courage, as I need it every single day in the smallest of circumstances:

Joshua 1:9 “I am with you wherever you go.”

Posted in Humanity, Life, Poetry, Spirituality | 1 Comment


The sun paints the leaves

a crisp lime

a deep forest green

and all the others in between


the thoughts, feelings, and emotions

that bubble their way up to the conscious mind

at dusk

when the world seems a little peaceful

a little quiet

or maybe a little melancholy

like us humans are all taking a break from the chaos of the day

sitting on the couch

reflecting on our lives:

was this really necessary?

did I make good decisions this week?

what are my plans for tomorrow?

and the inevitable…

what does my future hold

Often I think,

what is the point of my life?

with God at the forefront of my life,

with Jesus at the role model

how do I integrate the Bible’s teachigs

with the way I live my life?

How do I reconcile the physical with the spiritual

I think maybe I think too much,

but then….I remember,

God created our minds,

created our brains

and gave us the ability to create thoughts

Wow, what an amazing ability and freedom we have

….with much responsibility…

and then I get to thinking some more…

I’m not sure I am cut out for this whole “life” business

let alone learning how to become an adult.

Often times I still feel like I am playing grown-up,

even though I am 25

In the interim of young adult-hood and actual crossing the line of being an adult..

what a weird place to be

always in limbo in some way or another….


all I can do really is to keep on pressing on

and keep Jesus as my focus.

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Reflections on Being Tall

Well, I’m told I’m tall…..”Wow, you’re tall!”  “Are you standing on something?” “Whoa, did you play volleyball?” “You should be a model.”  “How tall are you?”

In response, I say to myself, “Oh really? I didn’t know that I was tall…” “Yeah, I am standing on something,…my legs!” “I didn’t play volleyball, but I DID play tennis, basketball and ran cross-country.” “I should be a model….but I’m not.”  “Well, obviously, I’m taller than you.”

When I was younger, being tall wasn’t really a big issue.  Ya people told me I was tall all the time, but I guess I didn’t have the self-awareness to care too much or feel awkward about it, which was good.  Plus my mom always told me to stand up tall and be proud of my height. Freshman and sophomore years in high school I towered over the boys and would always rub their hair.  I got a kick about having the “power and control” physically.  And in water basketball, us girls were able to kick butt and do damage…especially with our finger nails….we fought hard.

And then as the bathing suits got skimpier, and then boys turned to men and developed “insta-muscle,” we ended up getting our butts kicked, either because our bathing suits would fall off (and we would have to play conservatively so that everything would stay in place), or we were just over-powered by sheer man power.  Stupid insta-muscle.

But I am over resenting nature and the differences between men and women, for the most part….I am learning to appreciate men….real men.  I think that is hard to come by these days and so many times I have looked up to males, who I admired and thought were good guys, only to find out that they only really care about themselves and getting tail.

This is not to say that they are not genuine, mature men out there. And, yes it’s a judgment toward men, but I think more than anything, it’s disappointing to see.  In this world where women have gained so much opportunity to advance in society and gain respect, it seems like the masculine has been pushed down and stunted.  It’s sad to see, especially since so many of my friends and the people I know have non-existent fathers or deat-beat dads.

When are the men going to stand up and respect themselves and women enough to be who God created them.  And when are women going to realize that so much of their resentment towards men comes from their hurt that they didn’t have that second half of a parent or husband to represent the stable, strong, protective, loving and caring male figure that we need.  And this is not just for women; what about the sons who grew up without a father, without someone to look up to and someone to guide them and mentor them into succeeding in life and having the strength and confidence and awareness to respect the people around them, especially women.

Hmmmm…so going back to being tall, as I get older, this issue seems to be more at the forefront.  A tall, single women in her mid-20s…..how do I…..how do I put this….well what do I do when I am hanging out with a dude who is 5’8 and has his small-man complex.  Or how do I hang out with a 5’8 dude who is totally confident in who he is, and then I start to feel insecure just because that’s how I am? Or hanging out with a group of my friends and all of them are at least 5 inches shorter than me….It’s kind of weird, magnifying the whole women and competition thing.

How do I be tall and own it, in a respectful way?

Posted in Funny Stuff, Quircky Things, Society | Leave a comment


Writing has always been a way for me to express myself.  It is my therapy, whether with the pen and paper or the keyboard and computer monitor.  It centers and grounds me, it is my therapy. 

I write to release emotions that I keep bottled up inside, which have no other appropriate outlet accept for the page.  I write to center myself; to regain my groundedness. 

My audience….who is my audience? Well, I write assuming, for no particular reason, that others will come across my work and read it.  Maybe hoping that someone will understand my feelings, relate and respond.  Maybe I’m searching for answers, for profound wisdom from the outside.  I write in the hopes that I will connect with
someone, but most of the time that doesn’t happen, if ever at all actually.

Also, normally, I write to God.  And I realize that I write to God, with the background question that others might read my letters to God, so much of my writing is sensitive to that.  I definitely express myself, fairly freely I might say, but now, I can write to a God that I know listens to me and hears my complaints, my prayers, who feels my hurts and my joys, and always HAS read my letters.  But for the majority of my life, I never realized just how close he was and is. 

I miss God very much.  I have missed out on so much joy in knowing that he has always taken care of me, like the father I have had on this earth should have.  But my true father is the “big guy upstairs”well I don’t think he is actually a big guy and lives upstairs, but the creator of the universe, who created all nature, all humakind, the microcosms, the macrocosms and the planets and shooting stars….that is my DAD.  MY dad.  God, the Father, Abba.  He cares about what I write about.

So as I scan this blog that I started almost 3 years ago, and as I add a new journal entry for the first time in just over 12 months, I pray God, that you bless this blog.  That whether this remains my personal therapy space, or something that you want to turn to something bigger.  Bless it and speak to people through it. Whatever you would have it become Lord, it is yours.  I give this to you Lord.

I am so overwhelmed right now about the direction I am supposed to pursue right now.  My mind dreams, fantasizes, explores, makes-connections, the nerve synapses firing twice the speed they normally doas I piece together all the things I could potentially pursue….some far more realistic than others, some pragmatic, responsible, “smart,” others far fetched, old passions that have forever been dormant, save for a few minor eruptions, and then they fade. But in the end, all these thoughts and emotions culminate until I can’t keep it inside any longer, then erupt on the page, or in some other emotional crying fit…..and then it all fades until the energy builds up again…and in the meantime, life goes back to normal and nothing happens.

What happened to my desire to be  choreographer when I “grew up,” being the first woman president, or a clinical psychologist?  What will happen with my bucket-list goal to visit every country in the world and every state in the United States?  How will I best be able to make a difference to the world, to the people on this planet?  Will it be through therapy sessions, through leading people in a dance routine, serving hot meals to the homeless, or becoming a nomad traveling the world and “blessing” people by telling them the Good News, or by studying more languages and translating for the United Nations, becoming a high school teacher and teaching English, getting my Master’s in Education and changing the foundations of our educational system?  Or is my calling in social work, where I will work with broken families and support Foster care children who need a mentor?  Maybe I can become a full-time Young Life leader, or keep my stable job in Ojai and do “charity” work on the side.  But what does that make my life?  What do I want to leave behind…not my name, because people will forget, and they don’t really care anyway…it will all fade…..unless I become the next Madonna or Cher, what good is in a name, and even then stardom is probably something that would tear me apart.

What does society want from me, what do my parents want for me, what do I want for me and what does God want for me? Do any of these answers intersect somewhere and so I just take the mean, median and mode average and see what will work best? 


How do I let God lead?  How do I trust in where he is leading me if I can’t even see it?  How do I let him have all the say and put myself in the background so that he can work through me? This may sound crazy and weird, but I have wasted enough of my time trying to satisfy myself and pursue my dreams, but nothing has come out of it…I just end up wasting my time on facebook and my money on things that fade away quicker than a drop of water on a hot day.

So God, there you have it.  You have my life in the palm of your hands….do with it what you want…..the only thing, to be completely honest, as I am learning that is the best policy (I learned the hard way, trust me)…..I have a hard time being obedient, because I take it as people “telling me what to do” and my pride gets in the way, the childish side comes out and I throw a temper tantrum- I think that comes out in escaping to other countries, drinking, eating junk food, watching movies when I should be doing grad school research.  The discipline is hard when you feel like you are doing something that you don’t want to me doing.

So God, I hope you realign my heart to have a passion for how you want to use my life.  And I am guessing that I need to have the blinders taken off because I don’t think you want to hurt me God or force me into something that you haven’t put in my heart…

I guess my questions are: why does music stir me up so much?  Why do I feel like dancing ALL the time, but then do NOTHING about it?  Why am I able to express myself better on the page than verbally?  Why am I tall and a woman?  Why did I go to college?  Why are there so many things that interest me? Electronic music, dancing, tennis, poetry, photography, others countries, languages, history, cooking, reading, how the universe works and why we have blackholes or volcanoes or atoms that are so small we can’t even see them?  

Is it grad school?  Is it dancing?  Is it my own organic bakery? Where do I begin or how do I keep moving forward when I don’t even know how to put this all together?

Yes, I need you God.  Thank you for this outlet, that you for this freedom of expression. 

I’ll let that digest and see what the morning brings. 

Amen and goodnight.


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