Psalms 37:4

“Delight in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.”

Training Day

I am in training….it’s hard, it’s work, and my flesh is weak.  Wow, it is so very weak, and the more I learn about life and its idiosyncrasies, the more I have to depend on God.  We are mere humans, yes, with great capacity, but with that comes great responsibility and accountability.  Our minds are tremendous tools, so powerful and intricate, we don’t even know what full capacity looks like, let alone being able to comprehend that.  Our hearts, our hearts are passionate, caring, full of love, yet with that comes vulnerability, loss, weakness. 

To be of like-mind with God, means to lose all selfishness, and if you think you are selfless, if you think you aren’t as bad compared to some of the self-centered people out there, then look again, brothers and sisters.  We are lost, we are self-seeking, we are distracted, we are weak, and we are full of self-righteousness.

Luke 18:14 “For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted.”

Philippians 2:3, 5-11 ”Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.”  “Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness.  And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death – even death on a cross!   Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.”

Humility in a society that preaches the exact opposite, where freedom leads to distraction.  Yes, in Christ Jesus we are liberated, we are made free, yet we are also taught, we are trained in His ways if we keep our hearts open.  With liberation and with freedom come EXTREME responsibility.

I no longer want to waste my life.  I am in training…..to fulfill my purpose here on earth, no matter how short and fleeting or how long and enduring…..I have wasted too much time in my 24 years in indulgence, escapism, denial, self-loathing, misguidedness, tolerating of sin, and now it is time to grow in my faith, to take that leap and to shine the light that God lit within.  It serves no purpose to keep that light hidden underneath a wooden bowl so that no one can see it. 

Luke 8:16 “No one lights a lamp and hides it in a jar or puts it under a bed.  Instead, he puts it on a stand, so that those who come in can see the light.”

We are called fiercely to God.  We are called to be His warriors of the light and the more we let go of our attachments, of those bondages of the past, of the oppression that has held us down for so long, the more that He can use us for His ultimate purpose….to bring others to Him: the lost, the drifting, the forsaken, the downtrodden, the rich, the poor, the politicians, the children.  There is no discrimination with God; He wants us all, and all He wants is for us to obey him.  For “you are not your own, for you were bought with a price.  So glorify God in your body.” (1 Corinthians 6:19-20)

Now how liberating is that?!  It’s awesome!  Ok, on first read, iI can understand how many people would shudder and quickly rationalize and dismiss this passage….I know I certainly would if I had read this two months ago……but it is hard to see past the end of our nose (thank you Mary Poppins) when we live in a society and culture such as this one, where the self is praised and placed before anyone else.

What Jesus is calling us to do is radical. He is a radical man!  And a pretty cool one at that, for lack of better terminology.  But Jesus is a pretty awesome and selfless dude.  He was perfect.  I wouldn’t want any one else as my Lord and Savior.  I wouldn’t want any other mediator.  He IS “the way, the truth, and the life.  No one comes to the Father except through me.”  (John 14:6)  And truthfully, I don’t want it any other way. 

Jesus gave EVERYTHING for us.  He gave His precious life, so that we may be saved from sin, that we may be made right in the eyes of God.  He sacrificed Himself so that we may have eternal life. Now if that is not unconditional love, then what is?

Dear Heavenly Father,

I know that I am unworthy, that I am always self-seeking, asserting my desires above yours, untrusting that you will provide for me, clinging on to what no longer serves.  But my heart is open Lord, train my mind, train my thoughts to be of you, to praise you, to lift you up, and to shine the light that you have placed within.  It no longer serves to hide in the dark, to be ashamed, to deny the light that wants so desperately to burst forth.  Lord, God, you are training your children to shine their lights for you.  I want to burn brightly in your passion, to illuminate your love, to restore broken relationships, to edify others in your name, to connect, create community, a community of your precious children, Lord.  I pray that you continue to do your good works in me, to cleanse me of my impurities, to break the bondages that hold me to this earthly and fleshy existence, to lift the oppression that has for so long consumed me and tortured me.  I pray for unconditional love to be experienced on a planet that is in turmoil, that is so desperately crying out for help that it is drowning in its own tears.  I pray for faith, for trust, for honesty…especially for courage…..for we know in our hearts where you are guiding us, but we lack the courage to take the leap of faith.  We are weak and we disappoint you constantly, and for this I repent, that I can’t let go of my addictions and my selfishness long enough to reach out to another tormented soul, to reach out and share the good news, the good news of the word, the good news of Jesus Christ and His salvation.  Purge me from this toxicity Lord, make me clean in you and edify me in your glory, so that I may be a clean vessel, a clear channel, an empty shell, through which your works may be done: thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.  You are calling out to us, and I shut my eyes to you, I was blind, I became deaf, I shut my mind to you, I became ignorant, I shut my mouth to you, I slandered you, I shut my heart to you, I became hard as a stone.

I am open to your love Lord and praise you above all else.  I trust in your good works and I know that I will fall and I will stumble, but I pray for diligence and light, that you illuminate my path so that I may quickly get back on my feet and sprint toward you, that I may eagerly seek to please you and share the overflow of love that you have granted me, Lord.  I pray that you remove selfishness from my life, that you purge it from my thoughts and you fortify and strengthen all those weak areas in my body, in my mind, and in my life that seek to distract me, that seek to tear me away from you Lord. I pray protection over your children, protection and strength. I pray for discernment and knowledge, and clarity, so that we may use our gifts to glorify you.

I am in training, I will become one of your mighty warriors, give me strength Lord and reassurance for I am weak, I am needy, and I need to you 100% in my life, because without you, I am nothing, I am mere dust on the earth that drifts according to the whims of the wind.  I want to be energized in you, to blow where you will have me blow.  I am your warrior, in Jesus name I pray. Amen.

April 1

Finding God.  What a wonderful place to be.  He meets us where we are. I was searching for so long, I was SO lost, so self-righteous, so-far gone from who I was, who I wanted to be, who I knew I truly was inside.  And now the path has been made clear to me….well, it was always clear, but finally I have decided to accept it, to accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. With that, my God-shaped void, that emptiness that I have continually felt is gone.  The searching has stopped because I am at peace, I am content, for God is all I need.
Now, yes, I do understand how ignorant and strange this sounds….believe me, coming from someone who constantly denied Christ, who used all the excuses in the book, who judged, criticized, who blame, resented, hated…..coming from someone who has been on the other side, a person cannot truly understand until it becomes personal, until God calls draws your so fiercely to him that, there is no turning back, there is just full acceptance, all excuses fall away into nothingness because they were trivial and childish.  But far from being ignorant, I find myself curious, like a child again, not childISH, but childLIKE……seeking, asking, desiring to know, craving to learn more about my new faith, where it will lead, and how I can best serve God, how I can best become a clear vessel, an empty shell, through which he can do his great work. 
Yes, I am sure to some, this sounds foolish and weird, ignorant and crazy even….but if I remember correctly, Pastor Britt’s personal verse and verse for Reality is 1 Corinthians 1:27 “But God chose the foolish things of the world.”  God works like that.  This is who God is.  He desperately seeks a PERSONAL relationship with us….and we don’t realize that we desperately seek a PERSONAL relationship with him…we are seeking and searching, oh, that is for sure, yet we don’t realize that we are seeking God, asking that he fill our lives.  We don’t change, we don’t act, we don’t move, we don’t hold one another for our actions until it becomes personal.  UNTIL it becomes personal, the waters stagnate.  God WANTS us to call out to Him, he wants us to seek his LOVE, to find Him, to trust Him, to put our faith in Him because that is the only thing that makes sense. 

I pray for those who are searching, those who are so lost and at their wit’s end, those that don’t know what else to do….I pray that God draws them in, that the veils are lifted from their eyes, that they might come to know Him personally, because that is wow, so powerful.  I pray for lost souls that they may come to find God, to know Him, to accept Him, to accept that Jesus Christ is our Lord and Savior and that he died on the cross for our sins, the ultimate sacrifice and act of unconditional love.  This is what I have been searching for all along.  Thank God gracious God for your glory, you magnificence, your power and your wonder…we cannot possibly grasp the vastness of who You are and the Love You have for us.   In Jesus name I pray, Amen. 

A perfect circle

On the brink of St. Patrick’s and the full moon…I find myself overwhelmed with thoughts.  How do I possibly digest all of the information that is entering my physical body?  And I am not just talking about food….stimulation, sounds, sights, smells, touches, INFORMATION> technology is such a blessing and when we embrace it, it has the potential to do so many wonderfully creative and beautiful things.

Potential being the key word.

I want to let go, to stop the old patterns, to trust that who I am is OK.   I want to express myself freely, to enjoy life, to love myself, and to love others. I want to be complete, to be whole, so create beauty and bring forth positivity and light into the world, to bring clarity, to be a resource, to be a channel, and a vehicle where healing and love can spring forth.
In my body, this does not feel so.  I feel sick, wounded, hurt, and lost.  I am lost in the dark and I want a light to guide me.  Guidance to show me how to let go, how to love myself, how to create what my soul and my heart want to create, how to fulfill my potential and my dharma here on earth.  What is my purpose Lord?

 

Why am I here?  Why am I here?  Why am I here?  What is it that I need to do on this planet?  WHAT IS MY PURPOSE?
Life is an endless, yet limited journey.  Life is abundant and stifling.  Life is a twisting road through valleys and mountains.  Life is beautiful, but more often than not it seems that this beauty is fleeting.
Beauty.  I keep coming back to that word….beauty…..it has been threatening to me, as I think that I must compete with it to retain my sense of self-worth.   If others are beauty, then I believe that it takes away from my own.  I think I am worthless because of another’s beauty and derive my worth negatively the more beautiful they are.  Beauty enhances beauty, beauty enhances everything, every experience, every creative outlet.

What is happening to us on this planet today?  How do we, as human beings, make sense of what is going on?  How do we process and digest all of this information?  How do we go from coping, from surviving, to thriving and enjoying the potentiality of every moment and living as if all we had was now.
What is happening to our bodies, to our minds, to our lives?  What are the most important things in our lives?  How do we want to live?  How do we reach alignment with our higher selves?  How do we become confident in who we are by just being, by just existing, with no pretension, no script….just improv, spontaneity, and love.
There is a constant craving, a yearning, a desire to find the “thing,” the “it,” that indescribable experience of being home.  To feel at home, to be whole………………..to be………………………               complete.

Life with its ins and outs, it twists and turns, can never be explained perfectly….and what do we seek with perfection anyway?  Love?  Acceptance?  Beauty?  Control?  What is perfection accept something created?  Like time, perfection does not exist; it can – if we chose for it to – but living with nature, to return to our essence, our raw and beautiful essence, is to reconnect with the way things are and the realizing the beauty in that.  As children, that is what it is.  Children know.  They subconsciously understand, and grown-ups have created this game, this play, that was intended to be funny and joyful, playful and exploratory, and they have made it serious and dramatic.  Can’t a play exist just because it exists?  There needn’t be rhyme or reason about it…it can just be……be…..and be enjoyed and fully experienced.
I will end here with blessings for a deep and peaceful sleep; illuminating dreams, insightfulness, and a deep calm.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

I pray for all of those that are near and dear to my heart.  I pray that I remain honest and truthful to myself…..that I take that leap of faith and I pray that my healing continue.  I pray to be comfortable in my skin and to have the courage and desire to be who I want to be, to create with abandon and to love every moment in the present.

 

Amen.

Developing One’s Practice

I guess I find myself back in the same place, with a new perspective, but still shedding those old patterns, behaviors, and beliefs that stifle, inhibit, and limit us.
What to express on the internet webpage…I don’t know.  I come here seeking.  For what do I seek? I don’t know….a fulfillment.  I can’t express it in words or concrete thoughts. What I do know is that there is constantly an energy, this bottled energy that needs to come out, that needs to flow, and for so long it has been misguided and misled.  For so long it has not been channeled through the proper vehicle.
I come here only knowing that something needs to come out; it must.  I can’t promise greatness, or clarity, or a riveting, inspiring, one of a kind story.  It’s not about that anymore.  As much as the ego would like to identify with self-absorption, gratification, acknowledgment, and being the center of attention, as easy as that can be to latch onto, I can no longer waste my energy there….because that too, is a search for fulfillment, and it is short-lived.  It is a quick satisfaction, a sugar rush, with an impending sugar crash.

For that seeming fulfillment is short-lived.  Ego is NOT bad.  Please don’t misinterpret me.  Ego is necessary; a healthy ego fosters our sense of self and therefore, our sense of purpose.  It enables us to empower ourselves and to commit to the path that we were meant to discover, the purpose we were meant to carry out, whether that be drawing, dancing, singing, cooking, creating community, farming, loving, debating.  Our path is our healing, it returns us back to our essence, and without our ego, we only get lost in the wholeness of the oneness-which seems a great thing, but tough if we want to live in this world.
In order to function in society, in our world, we must have distinction.  It is necessary to distinguish between you and me because that is how we create experiences, and these experiences bring us back to who we truly are.

So, here I find myself writing, attempting to release this energy, these blockages that have prevented me from feeling comfortable within my skin.

With technology, there is an incredible amount of potential for creation AND for extremism.  As with everything, when something new is introduced into our paradigm, we have the potential to become addicted, to use these new mentalities, experiences, ideologies, these new pieces of information as our salvation…but the flaw with attaching and identifying to the external, is that we set ourselves up to be dependent, to be co-dependent on something outside of ourselves to confirm our self-worth.  Self-worth can only be accepted from within.  It never, ever, ever can be sustained from the outside.  No matter how hard we try, and, boy, I know… I have tried hard.  Maybe not as hard as others, but I can no longer seek the external to confirm that I am OK, that I am love, that I am perfect in my imperfections.  Only I can fully accept me and be 100% content with who I am and who I was created to be.

Does this jive?  Does this make sense?  It is so often the case that we feel lost, lonely, isolated, and rejected.  Why?  Oh, a bunch of things.  A plethora of reasons why we don’t feel adequate, lovable, whole.  The journey seems to return to that childlike innocence.  The perspective that we see things with new eyes, that we experience things for the first time.

The paradox; however, is that from the moment we leave the womb, we are being conditioned.  We pendulum between our newness, our brand new experiences, and how the external wants to define us.  From day one, hour one, second one, we are taught how to behave.  This is not bad in and of itself.  But it can easily become extreme.  So at the same time that we are attempting to maintain our sense of self, our discovery of the world, our appreciation and non-judgment of what is, just acceptance, we are taught to be cautious, to be wary, to judge, to put up walls.  This is necessary to a certain extent, but we can lose ourselves oh too quickly.  We become caught up in identification and we lose who we are, trying to be something else because initially, it’s fun, but then, we get caught in the game and are not able to come back to reality.  And then, if we CAN get back to reality, the “high” of that game wears off, and we find ourselves unable to cope with it.  We turn to avenues of escape and fall, once again back into the game to feel better, or we turn to other means and become addicted, using that as our negative reinforcement, and hence, justification of staying out of reality.

Our minds are incredibly powerful things, but they must be appreciated within a certain context of rules and laws.  Our minds function in specific ways, and if not trained properly, they become useless and many times detrimental.  They become destructive, in extreme, but yes, sadly to say, frequent cases.

It’s just like playing a sport, or being an artist, or learning a board game.  We can open up the box and figure it out, we could even create our own rules, but eventually it becomes chaotic and we get lost and don’t know where to start, where to end, what exactly we should do, and what the objective is, if there even is one.  So in order to become a good basketball player, in order to live life with purpose and passion, we must direct our energy, focus it.  We have to learn the rules or laws of the game.  After having the foundation of learning the rules and laws, we must begin practicing and in order to practice, we must have the appropriate equipment.  We cannot, for example, use golf clubs to play basketball.  Try as we might, it just won’t work.

We must bring the appropriate gear, and the next step is to practice.  We might suck at first, but that is the beauty of it, we train our bodies how to move, to adjust, and we strengthen parts of ourselves that we didn’t know existed, we become aware, we become conscious of how we flow within our body and how we interact with the others on the team.  How the ball feels when it leaves the finger tips and swishes into the basket.

We practice and practice and practice, until the awkwardness, the mistrusting, the frustration, becomes a movement that is natural, that flows normally, that feels right.  We have trained ourselves physically to be able to play the sport…and just like we do this with our bodies, so must we with our minds.  They are great tools, great resources and if not used properly, they can unleash a mess.  It is sad to let such a wonderful tool go to waste, or to become destroyed.

We come to the point where we realize it is about training, about practicing, about not taking things too seriously, but in all honestly, who really cares if you are the best or worst basketball player, if you are mediocre, if you have a great day, or a bad day.  Who cares if that one shot could have decided the game, or you should have fouled less, or run faster.  It’s about that awareness that all we have in the present moment, the NOW, as many people phrase it.

That’s what makes this practice so important.  To create our practice, in whatever manner, is the most important.  Our life is our canvas, we can practice on it however we want to; who cares if someone else is painting a zebra, you can paint a race car.  Who cares if someone wants to build a rocket ship; you can work at a day care center.  Who cares, really?  As long as we are creating a space where we can do and enjoy the things we love, then we have started realizing our purpose.

To create one’s practice.  Practicing yoga, basketball, writing, drawing, cooking, math, swimming, speaking, walking….and some things we have learned, others we must re-learn, or rethink of ways to practice them.

Life is a constant evolution. Things are constantly morphing, changing, growing, dying and growing again.  It is something to be embraced because to resist it, is only going to give it more power. Understanding the laws of nature and how life functions, enables us to work WITH energy, not against it.

With so much access to information and potential, creation becomes…..complicated, for lack of a better word.   There is always the possibility to create, but we can create beauty, or we can create destruction.  When our creative juices are focused in positive ways, then great things can happen; when we think too hard, are stifled too much, this energy explodes and destroys anything in its path.  This energy needs to move, it needs to manifest and it needs to be directed; without this direction, it becomes volatile.

Developing one’s practice.

Focusing and directing energy.

Living in passion and following one’s excitement.

This is how we inspire and love, this is how we let go and manifest joy and true love into our lives.
What excites you?  What is your practice? With all this potential, how do you want to focus your energy?

Dumbing Down Society

Written October 8,  2009  (10/08/09) at 2:46 am

dare i explore its depths?

Little that is left untouched

manipulated, twisted

to personal agendas

political motives

for profit gain

to fulfill distorted appetites

America with its obesity

its insatiable appetite for more,

more power

control

land

oil

food

sex

bigger

better

faster

aren’t they all connected?

A society that pounds a certain

reality into our heads

 

people will deny this

claim how great this country is,

but tell me, please,

what is great about a country

that tortures animals, in bulk

to provide cheap, easy, and fast food ->

food, in its loosest term, injected with

hormones, antibiotics, preservatives, artificial flavors,

chemicals designed to make us crave

 

more,….more more more

 

food that makes us obese

what is great about a country

that pushes fast food into our mouths

and then satiates media with their advertising with

images of distorted perfection

images of women, who

are physically and mentally mutilated,

 produced and manufactured

women who starve themselves

vomit after meals

cut open their bodies to insert, remove, inject

for thousands of dollars

women whose natural beauty “must be enhanced”

not good enough to stand on its own but must be made

bigger – breasts

better – abs

faster – except when it comes to aging

are these contradictions not obvious?

“yes, yes, but we have a choice – we can think for ourselves”

-in a society that consistently serves huge food portions

sells in bulk – Costco, Walmart, Vons

inundates us with ads for physical fitness – 24 Fitness, Bowflex

right next to McDonald’s with a Starbucks across the street

Is it not obvious? Or do we choose to look the other way?

To sweep the dirt under the rug.

It is easier that way, isn’t it?

 

It is easier to look in the mirror and hate,

spend your savings on that

face lift, tummy tuck, beauty salon appointment

– it is easier to self-criticize than to stand up

against society, to stand up…….for yourself

 

because, who are we to create change?

What real power do we have? The vote?

For non-citizens? For the apolitical?

What do they have?

And what are we voting for exactly?

 

And what about men? What is their role?

Obesity falls to them as well

the ironies of an overweight culture laden

with fast food and made to feel guilty, so

they buy a gym membership to become

muscular, top-heavy, and strong

For them it’s hard

but, for them, where is the make-up,

where are the beauty salons,

the prom dress stores – minimum price $300

where are the fashion magazines

the stylish hair do’s

the hair extensions

the manicures, pedicures, body lotions, fake tans, jewelry, fashion stores

-where is the plastic surgery, the bulimia, the anorexia,

where is the rape?

Who goes to strip clubs?

Who are the strippers?

What is the number one industry?

The sex industry

prostitution

strip clubs

sex trade

pornography

who do these cater to?

What percentage of prostitutes are men?

What percentage of strip club customers are women?

Ask the questions.

We are not challenged to think – look at the bigger picture

i need clarity, opinions, another perspective because the sexism is glaring

 

in a society that is dumbed down by No Child Left Behind

by high school exit exams where even 10 year olds could pass

where funding lacks

quality teachers are laid off

where universities

spend more on biological weaponry research for the military than on a students’ education

where media shows only the negative

a mono-perspective

that of America, and America only

what is expected of us?

 

Ask the questions

 

we have become robots, trained to behave like animals -

to follow our instincts for food and sex

not our intuition

yes we have choices

yes we have options

would you like a Big Mac or Double Double

a McFlurry or a vendi Starbucks

Kentucky Fried Chicken or animal style fries

 

think outside the box,

challenge yourself

why do other countries show a significantly higher percentage of foreign TV stations?

why do foreigners seem to know so much more about our own country then do we?

How come, as a first world country, we have the highest infant mortality rates to other comparable countries?

How comes we rank number 37 in the world when it comes to health care?

How come the rich-poor divide continues to widen in the middle of one of the largest economic recessions?

Certainly the poor aren’t earning more…

how come desegregated schools are becoming the most segregated they have been since the late-6os?

how come, in a land where “all men are created equal” there is still unequal pay for African-Americans, Mexicans, Native Americans, Asians – and how come women aren’t included at all?

Does the word “men” truly imply both sexes – in a court of law, would the technical definition be upheld?

How come, in a society where men and women are claimed to be equal, women still lack reproductive rights

– abortion clinics bombed,

insurance for birth controls pills denied,

rulings being reversed

one doesn’t have to look under the surface as it has all been exposed –

we just haven’t been trained to see it

a true hegemony

it is all there – look for it and you

will see

if you choose to ignore the facts, so be it

but it does not mean they do not exist

it does not mean that the largest homeless population isn’t one street down from one of the wealthiest centers in Los Angeles.

It does not mean that we don’t hide our seniors in fairy tale housing, paying others thousands of dollars to “manage” them

it does not hide the exorbitant profits that 5% of the population makes at the expense of Wal-Mart workers and shoppers alike.

It dos not comfort the young teenage girls struggling with self-identity

“now that you know, you may choose to look away, but you may never again say that you did not know” -William Wilburforce

stand up for yourself – be your own person

think for yourself – never let anyone tell you who you are

except for yourself

in the most honest

genuine

loving way